Long long time ago, I can still remember how the music used to make me smile…… oh, sorry, wrong story!

This is a story about passion and it’s escape to freedom, and how (after much inner searching, denial, and re-evaluating) I have worked out where it is living now.

Many years ago when I was at college, I was offered the chance to take on an additional course, a new subject that was trialling for its first year, as a GCSE and then A-Level. Photography.

I was already studying art and my tutor felt it was a logical step for me. I had my first lesson, given a camera to practice with, shown the basics of how to take a picture, sent off to experiment, and then finally introduced to the darkroom. I couldn't stop myself, I fell head over heels in love with it, and that is how my love affair with photography began.

At the start, our darkroom was just a small storeroom at the back of the art department. Then a big space in the eaves was turned over to us and this new darkroom became my 2^nd home. I spent all my time listening to what turned out to be the soundtrack to my life, while busily working under the red lights watching my images appear out of the gloom.

We learnt and experimented with all different techniques and styles; photography becoming a natural extension of my art and creativity. I filled sketchbooks with ideas, drawings and test shoots. Anything was possible and I seamlessly flowed from GCSE to ALevel without breaking stride. Photography consumed every part of me, it was me. Time passed and I moved onto another college to study at a higher level, with bigger classes and bigger darkrooms and bigger possibilities.

God I loved that time so much and developed into the person I was to become under those red lights.

I went off on work experience and managed to get placements on newspapers and tailed the press photographers. I was sent out on assignment with them and had opportunities to photograph great things, including the re-opening of the Shakespeare Globe with the Royal family, and the visit by Nelson Mandela to Brixton.

I ventured out on my own and started shooting gig photography and got hooked on the adrenaline, and the atmosphere, and ended up meeting a bunch of great people along the way.

These all feel like amazing gem stones on my path of photography.

Then digital started to make an appearance and things started to change, and nothing was quite the same again. Photography became cheaper and more accessible, but for me it also felt a bit soulless. I have never quite connected with my digital cameras and my art the same way.

It also made me forget, made me lazy because it became easier. It didn’t stop me from forging ahead and determined to make a photography business for myself. After working my 9-5 in the office I would come home and start on my 5-9 whenever I got the chance.  

Eventually I was in a position where I could apply for a part time job and focus more on the photography. I started my business  but in my eagerness to make it official had made the classic new business error, and in my determination to launch did not ensure that I had the correct financial reserves.

No product budget, no marketing budget and no support network of like minded small business entrepreneurs to call on for help, and much needed boosts when things got hard.

So after struggling through a couple of years later my little business closed again, and for a while I felt a little bereft, but more than that I felt consumed by guilt and confusion because secretly I felt relieved! I didn’t have to pretend anymore. Pretend that I hadn’t fallen out of love with photography, pretend that everything was still going well, pretend that I was motivated and productive. That I wasn’t lonely  sitting on my todd all day trying to think of things that would make the business a sudden success.

I was painfully aware of not wanting to pick up my camera anymore, and avoided taking photos whenever I could, as I was now totally convinced that I had no skills, and was not worthy of the title Photographer.

Now that was all gone, and although the prospect of going back to a full time 9-5 office job didn’t thrill me I wasn’t horrified either. WHY? Because I have learnt, that if I wanted to I could run my own business, I had learnt (and am still learning) valuable business and life lessons. I am savvier with marketing and social media now. Also the skills I gained from running my business got me the job I am in now. I also know that if you want it, there are part time jobs out there, allowing the best of both worlds.

So hang on… wasn’t this post meant to be about my passion? 

I have to admit that I was worried when I was getting to write this post I was going to have to say that I have lost my passion. 

Then I realised that’s not true! It is just that it has evolved and started to change into something else. I have less tunnel vision about what makes me happy now.

I want to work more with multi-media now, not just straightforward photography, but using my photos as part of something bigger, photography just one of the layers of the arty-crafty goodness that I am capable of making. I want to create physical items that you can hold, and use and love. No limits, no self restriction.

I am passionate about encouraging others who have skills, and learning how they do business, and have gone about designing their own lives.

I feel passionate for learning to have fun with it instead of taking it all a bit too seriously. I know I have written about this before but the exciting thing is that I have realised that I am on my way and things are developing naturally, without me even realising or forcing it.